Heartbreak?

Heartbreak? long poem

Sadness mostly breaks upon the horizon

it slips into its coma

unless you awaken it with a light

you carry it like a dead weight

a burden inside you.

push it all you might

but sadness comes again.

Let me start over,

heartbreak: anger, betrayal, hurt, jealousy.

the emotions fall like pouring rain.

shame, inadequacy, pain.

no longer can you grant yourself the privilege of like a belonging extend upon her your claim.

no no no no no,

let’s do this again.

my thoughts are jumbled up. sorry. my mind is clouded by the hurt.

lets see here,

she’s left. moved on. gone to another man,

from the beginning you said you must not make this mistake again,

of becoming more attached than you can handle.

practicing detachment was a primary aim,

was it not?

why then is it so hard,

as always it seems to be,

to let go, and say goodbye.

what void lies within you so cold,

that only the warm blood of a whole another human being is required

to fill it till it is still.

not even filled to the brim.

that still with the warmth of another person

you carry on with heavy eyes

and heavy steps, bags beaneath your eyes

and pain in your feet. like a hollow stranger,

to the rest of the world,

a stranger and a wanderer. lost in a maze of his own devicing.

wait, wait, wait, wait

but how then does one suck the marrow out of life?

where does one find the ability to balance

interest, presence, care, love, compassion,

and also detachment and self preservation.

how does one love fully

but not give entirely?

such a balance must be found,

for to just do one is to be either

a love-struck hound with an ear only for his master

or a hollow sound, who’s life shall pass like a dead sound on deaf ears.

let me try this again.

they’ve all left me. all of them that once wanted me.

have moved on.

am i stuck here?

alone?

for how much longer?

Better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.

So they say. I agree.

What else is there to do but to learn. And try to find that balance.

Let them go. And at no point in the future shall you let yourself believe that they belong to you. Or they are yours. No matter how much they say it.

Not in a jealous way,

but as a means of detachment.

but in the time that you spend with her

Be with her.

But then move on.

Was is this? what am I doing here?

giving myself a pep talk?

What’s scary is that people say you have to fall in love,

cause you can’t stand in love,

that means you need to drop the barrier,

and be vulnerable right?

Let the person in….

I think someone once said

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to,

now I’m not sure if that’s what love is but I think that might be what a loving relationship is.

Love comes before that part though. you don’t need those bits to make it love. that’s what you do if you want to act on that love, give ’em that power and trust.

I think….

Sigh.

Let’s start over-

Hearbreak makes the head spin,

Makes the heart sink,

And shut the lights on your many whims,

And twists them so they turn to sins,

excess and indulgence becomes your relief,

you look to the Vegas bright lights

and it’s decadence and loose morals

to fill your emptiness,

but instead you move further away from the…

from the what?

what is it you move away from by becoming a man of spoils and luxury and indulgence? why can’t I do that?

I don’t know….

I can’t even finish this poem. It’s all over the place.

Well,

I really have to move on. Before I go crazy. Let that be a lesson to you all.

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An Arduous Heartbreak Later

An Arduous Heartbreak Later short poem

Colourful twinkling lights are streamed from the fireplace to the staircase and I give in to the aroma of gingerbread cookies and empty my 3rd shot of eggnog “what was your first kiss like?” I sneer at her senseless icebreaker