Curiouser And Curiouser

Curiouser And Curiouser ballad

Photo by hoyasmeg

The case of the killing of Humpty Dumpty
Who caused the death of that silly Numpty?
What was he doing up on that high wall?
And who or what had made him fall?

Scotland Yard and Interpol
Were on the scene, were in control
The crime scene was under investigation
And they held a massive interrogation

They questioned the March Hare and the Mad Hatter
But they knew nothing of the matter
Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue
But they didn’t have a single clue

Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Were as innocent as they could be
Wee Willie Winkie still in his nightgown
Said the Piper’s son Tom had gone and left town

Then Alice said that the Caterpillar
Could shed some light on this crime scene chiller
So the Caterpillar and his friend Miss Alice
Walked together up to the palace

“Lord King,” the Caterpillar said
“Good Humpty Dumpty now lies dead.
The Egg’s poor body now lies broken,
And ’tis time for the truth to finally be spoken”

The poor Caterpillar was quaking with fear
For he knew that the King would not wish to hear
But the King merely nodded, and said “Son, be bold!”
And this is the story the Caterpillar told

The Egg had put on a bit of weight
And the doctor had warned him of his fate
If he didn’t cut back, it could cost him his life
“Too big in the bum”, said his beautiful wife

But the Egg had this terrible weakness for sweets
And the Queen’s tasty tarts were his favorite treats
It all happened upon a warm summer’s day
The Egg, he just happened to pass by that way

The Queen, she had baked up a fine batch of tarts
To send as a gift to the good Knave of Hearts
What the King didn’t know and the Queen wouldn’t tell
She was a witch, who could cast any spell

The spell she was casting that fine summer’s day
Was a spell that would make that old Knave obey
Any word from her lips would be his command
And he would fulfill each and every demand

The scent of those tarts wafted off on the breeze
Drove the poor hungry Egg right down to his knees
He didn’t care why, and he didn’t care how
He wanted those tarts, and he wanted ’em now

Well, the Queen, she got busy with this and with that
And the Egg, he snuck up just as quick as a cat
Those tarts, they were gone as quick as a wink
And the Queen didn’t know just what she should think

When the King heard about it his anger was hot
And he sent that Knave to the dungeon to rot
What the King didn’t tell, and the Queen didn’t know
The King would not let his jealousy show

He’d noticed the Knave eyeing his Queen
His suspicions, it seemed, had turned him quite green
That he fancied the lady, the King was quite sure
And this situation he could not endure

He knew that it caused his Queen great grief
But he was sure the Knave was indeed the thief
The Queen, she used her magic arts
And she knew that the Egg had stolen those tarts

Her plans for the Knave had been foiled
And in her heart her anger roiled
She swore that she’d make a retaliation
Humpty Dumpty, she vowed, faced his cancellation

She told him “The pastries you’ve eaten upon this day
Have made you my slave, and you must obey
Whatever I ask of you, you must do
Although it should mean the end of you!”

She led him out to the gates of the city
That cruel old witch, she had no pity
The Egg was as frightened as he could be
“Look up,” she cried, “what do you see?”

He looked, and there was Little Jack Horner
He had been lured out of his corner
He was eating what looked like a Christmas pie
And something beside him met the Egg’s eye

“I’ve baked you a treat that will make your heart merry
Your favorite tarts, I know you love cherry!
And now, I believe that it is time
For you, my friend, to make the climb”

The Egg could not resist at all
And so he climbed up that high wall
He sat right down beside young Jack
They both sat there eating, back to back

The Queen gave a nod, and the Egg felt a bump
He fell to the ground with a sickening thump
Little Jack Horner had stuck in his thumb
To pull out a beautifully large, sweet plum

When he jerked out that plum, he heard the Egg cry
And Jack knew his elbow was the real reason why
He looked down at his friend, and the sight made him sick
So Jack split the scene, he got out of there quick

When the Caterpillar finished telling his story
Of murder most foul and death most gory
The Queen had turned white and the King sat most quiet
The whole town erupted, and there was quite a riot

The White Knight was there, and he led the assault
The King was in shock, he knew she was at fault
He knew she was guilty, and she’d have to pay
But he wept as he watched the knight take her away

He winced as the crowd screamed “Off with her head!”
And he knew that his queen would soon be dead
And now, you know the real story
Of murder most foul and death most gory

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