I don’t know, completely, but I….

I dont know, completely, but I.... long poem

I hate,

I hurt,

I pain,

and I ache

so deeply.

I feel rage,

angst,

like a piece of dirt,

so much of the time,

I’ve also tasted the tenderness of love,

I’ve heard the howls of hate,

I’ve slept with the raging noise of anger,

the noise of my mind has been a thousand decibles.

I’ve also swam in pleasure.

I dont know,

I know,

I’m lost,

I’m found,

I alternate,

and oscillate,

I’m always changing,

but the ache to be free from the changeful,

doesn’t go away.

I cry,

I died also

inside.

I felt life.

I know what it means to be alive.

I know what it means to be ecstatic.

to be loved.

to be me,

or at least feel like I’m being myself.

i dont know who really lurks here.

I search.

I taunt,

I lurk,

I burn with a fever to be free,

from all the pain I’ve seen,

all the abuse I’ve felt, so deeply.

Been betrayed. so many times,

my mind is an escape,

but also a fortress

that no one can penetrate anymore.

so I cant feel more pain

but also, also love,

I cant find it in me anymore

And then sometimes,

it bubbles up,

the natural flow of life,

forces the juices of joy, to rise.

I wonder if this makes me vulnerable,

to exploitation,

should I forsake self preservation?

I’m stuck.

I’m distraught.

I’m torn.

I know self loathing.

but I dont know self love.

duality;

it looks like it is everywhere,

but its not.

I’m happy,

I’m sad,

I’m mad.

I’m damned.

I’m an alcoholic,

a drug addict,

a shame,

a disgrace,

I’ve lost my place in this world,

I look up to the heavens and curse the world and my maker.

I dont feel safe.

Anywhere.

but I just want to be in love,

all the time.

Thats me,

love.

But peace,

But freedom,

But worry?

I create my own obstacles and then hurry around frantically

trying to erode them from my memory.

I just want to find my true identity.

who am I?

can you love me?

please?

I’m so lonely.

I toast to you,

I cheers at parties,

I present my self as happy,

but I know so much torture

that occurs inside me,

Is this how it is for everybody?

where will I find solace?

can you still touch me?

Do you think you can love me?

I’m a mess,

but I’m beautiful inside.

I know it.

Rub me the wrong way, and I’ll explode.

I struggle with morality.

I know it to be a lie now,

but how then to live my life in harmony?

Free me.

Save me.

I’m drained

internally.

Love me. Somebody.

So I can love me too,

I may not be pretty.

but I can be happy,

I’ve felt it before,

just show me how again,

and I’ll take you,

with me.

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The angst of this poem strikes a chord somewhere deep inside; most of us would have been through a phase like this when we felt lonely and outcast- a misfit. But the heart longs to belong and this feeling is captured with so much honesty in this poem.. Great writing @Satyn

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