Evolution

Evolution long poem

Photo by nicubunu.photo


When I was just a little girl
Everybody told me I needed Jesus to save me
But Jesus locked me in a cage
Alone with all my hurt and rage
And told me that he loved me

Now my world’s getting darker
Mom’s always mad, I’m bad
I know I have to be better
He died for me
But I wish I didn’t have to die before He will save me

I want to go outside and play
But this long skirt keeps getting in the way
I have to come inside now, it’s time help momma clean
Leave my brother alone, I need to focus
So maybe I can make a good wife someday

I need to be better, I messed up again
The belt’s coming at me, so I ball up and cower
I go away inside my head, until I feel a yank at my scalp
I’ve pissed on the floor, I’m sorry
I’ll clean that up, don’t worry

I want to make you happy
I don’t know why my mouth gets so far away from me so often these days
I know you’re sorry, I’m a hard kid to raise
I know you love me, though you rarely say it
I try so hard to behave, I need to learn to submit

I’m learning piano now, I love it
God played beautifully through me
But I made a mistake, you see
God will have to practice more tomorrow
He will play better next week

And I have to stop moving my body when I play
God doesn’t work that way
I’ll hold my back straight
I can’t let my feelings out with my body
So I’ll do it with a razorblade

Now blood is running down my leg
My skin will never be the same
The endorphins and adrenaline wear off
My vision gets soft
But that’s okay, I made this pain

People say I’m smart
All I do is read
But I need to put down that book, and come cook
Learn to watch the baby at the neighbor’s house
Or I’m going to make a terrible spouse

I met a boy, he’s so smart
He loves books and plays piano too
We get along great, don’t you know
But you caught him kissing me on a walk
And now he has to go

I’ve met an old man, he teaches me piano
He plays like I’ve never seen before
He gives me books, ideas, and more
He’s investing a lot of time
And teaching me how to look people in the eye

His ideas are dangerous
But they kind of make sense
He went down like Socrates for corrupting me
They said you can’t love without God
But even without God, he loved the least of these

You can take my body, but you can’t take my mind
I’ll smuggle these books and this music
I’ll tuck it away and hide
When no one is home, I’ll have fun you see
I’ll engage in all sorts of debauchery

I’m 17 now, I’ll run away
Bible college didn’t work out
It was a big fall from grace
I want out of this place
I’m done

I’m all grown up, are you proud?
You taught me how to withstand
Pain, lonliness, rejection, fear
They’re all here, but I know how to push forward
There is no courage without fear

I reject your ideas
I reject your “grace”
You can shun me, that’s okay
I’m a better person now
Calmer, no more rage

I’ll take my path, you take yours
One set of footprints, where are yours?
Jesus is carrying you, but you can’t see where
I’ll forge my own path
I can go anywhere

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