Shine On

I know it’s hard, I know it’s rough. To put the bottle down and say that’s enough.Just one more sip, it’s all I need. Feeling like shit, it’s hard to breathe. Violently shaking, I start feeling sick. Body silently aching. Stomach starting to twist. Can’t sit still, digging in my wrist, killing the bugs that I’m told don’t exist. But they keep coming back, and I’m getting pissed. Covered in blood from front to back. Looking like I’ve just been attacked by a cat. Being attacked from every angle, beginning to anger. Just one sip, that’s it and I’ll quit. “Fuck it!” Grabbed the bottle and took a swig. If only I really knew exactly what I had just did.

You see, I started drinking when I was just a kid. Beginning only on the weekends. Me and some friends would steal liquor from the fridge. Walk down the ridge where the river bend ascends. About a hundred yards from where the black top ends. Out by the docks. Without 4 wheel drive, no cars were getting in. Which meant no cops. It’s a win/win in my book. Kicked back and downed some shots. 20 minutes in, I begin to transcend into an alcoholic. I didn’t intend for it to impact my wallet.

At first I’d just pretend I’d lost something in the closet. While searching, a bottle was abolished. I’d walk out completely demolished, however discreetly cautious. If dad were to catch me, I’m doomed. Take a quick peek, coast is clear. Then I’d secretly sneak a drink and something to eat to my room. Grab the broom and begin to sweep. It went on like this for weeks. Figured if I kept the place neat, there’d be no reason for my parents and I to speak.

Eventually, after what felt like infinity, I was down to the last bottle. Popped the top and began to swallow the spirits. Passed it to a friend, that’s when I began to hear it. “Go buy another bottle, there’s no need to fear it.” I took another swallow, and sure as shit, I heard it again. I must be delirious, hearing shit that actually made me curious. It was that moment that I realized the problem was gonna be serious. From what I’ve learned drinking is deleterious.

Thinking I’ve earned the amphibious drinking badge, I started getting mad at the silliness. Who the hell did these mysterious imperious voices think they are? I went to the garage and got in the car. Thought about my choices. But didn’t get far. The liquor store was just across the street, on the same block. I was underage but needed a shot. I considered my options, which included, a ski mask and Glock. Or option B… A neighbor who sells pot.

I went with option B. It seemed much safer. And a lot smaller chance of getting caught, and dealing with cops. Besides. I was out of trees. And God knows exactly what I need. Just as they say, a friend with weed is a friend indeed.

Time to reup my stash, walked to my room and gathered up my cash. BOOM!! I was out the door in a flash. Crossed the grass and rang the bell. I heard someone yell and started to bail, when suddenly the door swung open to my avail. But nobody was there, “what the hell?” I thought to myself. I stepped inside when I heard “I’m downstairs, be up in 5.”

The voice began to trail as the door slammed shut quickly, but I managed to catch “have yourself a seat, I’ll be with you in a jiffy.” So I swiftly made my way to the couch. The house was appealingly pleasant. I took a seat and pulled my money out from a pouch. I must be in heaven, cuz the smell was so loud. I began to daze off and started to shake. For goodness sake, I pray my patience pays off.

A few minutes later, my neighbor appeared in a cloud of smoke, he began to choke. A cheery ol bloke that stood about 6 foot 6. He took another hit and started to say, “oh shit, Chris, it’s you. What you wanna get, or What can I do for you today?” He offered me a hit, in which I’d never turn down. He walked over to sit as I began to explain. “Well I’ve got myself a problem I didn’t want you involved in, but I could really use some help solving. You see, over the past few years I’ve become an alcoholic. I just ran out and I’m starting to withdraw or whatever you call it. I feel like shit, almost like I’m dying. And the liquor stores close, but I’m too young to buy it. So I was hoping you could supply it. I’ve got the funds, in fact I’ve got double. Enough for the weed and booze, and the rest for your troubles.”

He set back and pretended to think about it, but there was no doubt about it, I knew that I got it. No way in hell he’d turn down profit, especially that was free. All at what cost? A walk across the street? A tiny bit of greed? Plus he’d been thru DT’s and knew how it feels. Besides it was a steal. His gaze caught my eyes, he shook my hand and replied, “you’ve got yourself a deal.” I gave him the money, he handed me the Splif and said “make yourself at home and finish this. I’ll be right back, I won’t be gone long. And just like that out the door he went.

Money well spent. I knew it was wrong. But the bugs were coming back. And he gave me his accent. The alcohol in my blood was beginning to lack. I needed a drink and I needed it fast. I can’t relax, and as a matter of fact, at least it’s not crack. God, the way I think. This shit is whack. The shit’s just as bad. My life’s beginning to sink. And right before my very eyes. And I’ve realized this will be my life’s demise if I don’t straighten up and get wise.

Bout that time, the door opened ajar. In walked my neighbor carrying enough alcohol to open a bar. At that very moment I knew this would be my destiny. I thought the lord was blessing me, but he was actually testing me. And now I’m stressing see. This is where it would all begin. I was thirteen back then. Now I’m twenty-nine. That’s sixteen years in between that a days barely gone by without a drink in my hand or trying to get high. My demon is drinking. And when I start thinking, it’s honestly a surprise I’ve survived this long. Looking back on my life, I should’ve already been gone. I’ve gotta make it right before it goes wrong.

I’ve had one drink in two weeks. Some days I’m stong, some days I’m weak. It’s a process but trust and believe, you will see progress. I will succeed. Alcoholism I will defeat, I can’t be beat, just wait and see. I am a beast and on my grind. Living my life one day at a time. Praying to Christ, I know I’ll be fine. Facing the fight of my life strait in the eyes. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you. Life is tough, we know that’s true. But call it’s bluff, so are you. Stay head strong and do what you do. It may take long and that’s OK. Keep your gaze faced strait and the bottle away. Living this way, you can’t go wrong. Keep a smile on your face and continue to shine on.

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