Reparations elegy

Uploaded by Griffin H.M.

my father used to tell me that divorce was the process of losing one’s routine.
5:30 came and went without the sound of a familiar rattle from outside the door that came from my mothers keys.
last night I got to thinking about where I loved you most and why I couldn’t show it constantly.
an old soul for an angel hand to hand on a roller coasters decline, with Heaven looking into my eyes, with the way that love should haunt me.
I am blessed and now I’m pure.
I invest when I’m unsure.
don’t I shine when insecure.
don’t I shine when insecure.
my mother saw an actress on the tv and told me she’s beautiful
but she looked just like you to me maybe she’s just blind to my miracles
but I have the upmost respect for the love she found in my stepfather they got up and took this marriage deal even farther.
things were easy when we made time
I been through so many girls I could lose count in like no time
we felt the same round the same time.
we felt the same round the same time.
why you think of me like I’m not still young?
like the eye bags I wear don’t slow down for no one.
Saturday morning I’m booked for an interview
for income and a peace of mind while I’m still over analyzing how will I get to you.
these are reactions
to where I went south
I kiss a ghost’s past and present
knowing you spoke down on me
didn’t that come from your mouth
where would I be if you weren’t still around?
who we really fooling now
I just might move out the country
pay my dues in pounds.
tell me what am I about
you always had me figured out
oh yeah you saw right through the doubts.
and I’d give anything
to be on your team
wasn’t that me? (me)
your one mvp?
seems like a hoax
still dishing it out
friends of mine sitted in coke
is this how it turns out?
you got a new job down at ulta
selling cosmetics like paychecks could hold ya
look back on the times you’d say “when I’m older”
now that you’re older you still cry on shoulders.
that’s not my shoulder.
layered up last month without you
I figured it just had got colder.
low and behold the
words that I wrote ya
max and I lost a home this year
you know we felt the absence girl you just weren’t here.
though I still thought of you all the time.
I see the answers more clear in the times that I know you’re mine.
usually I never run
but I’ve been alone like it’s said and done
really I know that it’s said and done
but we made a promise and only one
check if I’m giving up
check have I given up?
pity me on these obsessions that tear me up.
body intact but the heart is an ocean surrounding my misery.
drown in our history.
who you smiling for in the moments you’re missing me?
read all my letters and stick with me
we could have done this so differently
basically sleepwalking when I unravel the mysteries.
simple as 6 words
“will you come sit with me?”
that spot is reserved
can’t no one get next to you
I’m about me just protecting you
I’m about cutting my checks with you
50 50 every week, if I got it it’s yours.
send me to cali and back and ask me then “are you really sure?”
no I’m not really sure
when I’m lost I can move
but that’s only after I hit rock bottom and torn up my shoes
how she react to the news?
she saw us together and changed her view.
I could speak forever
didn’t say it wouldn’t hurt
didn’t you preach on my worth?
yeah you were the first.
first one to see the beauty in me
youth leaking out the pores & kidney
when you want more well love I got plenty, more is enough & now I’ve got too many.
too many promises coated with pressure
too many memories you can’t remember
too many pills cause the e is for effort.
blow dust off the good in me piece me together.
you came back stronger
the second time around
and the third time around
and the 100th time now
what will it take
what makes you give
addicted to destiny
the idea of you waking up next to me.
my girl is a daydream
I still need some saving.
last night was amazing.
the way that you took it.
I am a man with desire to carry on from where I mistook it.
from where I just took it.
just in case she’s looking.

I’ll pay it in cash
like look at the sh*t that I have
didn’t really measure up to what I don’t have.
lonelier than ever, that’s just the facts
claim it all as my bad, and I’ll still be around if you ever wander back.
I could of opted to back out
leave a bitter taste on your tongue when my name is spoken
I am my mistakes but discouraged to show it.
can’t I admit that when the pain is showing?
I could of opted to back out
be on my way through the cash outs
but I fell into you long ago
and I wouldn’t go and do that now
what happened to picking out names
names for our children
schiele and dana
your suggestions I missed em.
I’ve come to the facts
should of payed more attention
like rhi said should I mention
I love in your direction.
I love in your direction.
even through the shots you took when we were too young to see through the vision.
warmer than you fast asleep on my chest and holiday traditions.
what are you missing?
what am I missing?
you can hear me in the silence of 3am panic attacks from the kitchen.
never was one to wander off, but have I been living?
seems to be a lot to learn if I could admit it.
your old friend found replacements for you, but how is that giving?
so I don’t need another line
but I got here early
I needed more than the dude with your back
before you went up and hurt me.
and that’s simply toxic for the heart.
started waiting tables when we came apart
50 cents for everything I had to ring in on a la carte.
if we don’t meet at the finish line please just look back at the start.
before I depart
know this ain’t a heart to heart
these are confessions of the process of making reparations admitting I’m scared of the dark.
don’t start.

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