Why can’t I find them, the words? I need them to spill from me like a waterfall spills over a cliff.
I need you to hear me, hear all of this dread inside me, hear the twisting of my heart as it fears ever losing you. You need to know this, that without you I would die, there are no safety nets, no soft places to fall, I’ve looked hopelessly and frantically and only the rocks and their jagged edges are there below, of which would brutally tear at my being until death would be a relief and only death would release me. There is no coming back from the pain my soul would have to endure.
Why do I love you this much? Why can’t I love you like I have loved others, without worry? Why do I have this ungodly fear that you can’t and won’t love me the same, that the loss of me wouldn’t be the death of you as it surely would be for me.
I haven’t ever felt your arms around me but in this fact alone what does that say of my love for you, I haven’t ever kissed you my love but in the sad truth of that, what does that speak of my sanity? To love someone in such a manner that at times, all reasoning is lost and crippling pain resides because the thought of never being with you leaves me so empty that I can’t possibly make sense of the feelings I have.
When my mind goes crazy, my heart beats erratically I don’t eat, I don’t sleep and I can’t stop wondering what if, what if this infinite love in my heart is not reciprocated, what if I’m left alone standing on that edge where a feathers touch would send me falling to the jagged rocks below.
What if you don’t love and need me the same as I love and need you. Will you know the damage, the carnage that you will leave in your wake. Will you forget, will you forget me, the moments, the laughter and the tears, the smiles and thoughts, oh the thoughts. The purest of love that flowed from my fingertips as I wrote to you, the jealousy that my silly little heart held when I thought for one second someone might look your way, the never ending dreams we made, the beach, our beach, will you leave me there alone with nothing but a sea of tears surrounding me? Lest you forget me, as if you had never of loved me.
Where will I be then, where will I be my love? I’d only have one place to go if such a tragedy were to befall my heart, and then even the deepest darkest pits of hell could not even begin to compare to the pain and despair that you would leave me with.
I’ve known no other love like this, nor have I known another fear greater, you hold everything including the feather.
In love with someone who I have not yet met physically, but have been in a relationship for 2 years online as he lives in England and I in the states. We are to be meeting for the first time in a couple of weeks and I can not shake this fear no matter how much he assures me he loves me.