I have made mistakes in my history
It is nothing personal I am a black woman.
However, I remember to do the right thing
When those mistakes reflect back to me.
I remember my pains more
When I try to find the things I lost.
I do remember the dilemma of mine; victim-hood
With the things I wanted to adore
When I thought those things would want me equally.
Now I remember how wrong I was
In putting judgment on the things I never understood.
I thought I could dwell without sanctification,
As long as air, food and shelter I had.
I thought I could be wealthier than the prospects with permission,
As long as I had seed, and the time to give me harvest.
I had thought I had it all,
Should have known better the gift was still seed in ovary?
Had I waited onto God
The Builder, Creator and Giver of all heart’s desires
Who reminds me to wipe off tears after crying?
Who reminds me to stand up when I fall?
I asked, seeked and knocked
But found nothing.
I did it again but still found nothing.
For trinity, this time with patience, humility and the faith
It came to me.
The harvest, I had been patient for, to embrace my field.
When I thought I had won,
God only gave me to see something that could happen.
When I thought I had lost,
He was taking it away for me to move on.
When I thought I had given up,
He came in and told me to grow strong not old.
Had I not won a thing not to be mine?
I could have found it now, I told myself.
Had I not sown a seed in the garden of hope?
I could not have found it now, He told me.
I could never lose what I never had.
Later I found it.
I found a killer of my pains.
I found an antivirus for the guest,
A beta dine to dine on my wound
An ease of my trauma.
At the moment I was closing my eyes for death to dawn,
He opened them with brightness.
Now the search is complete.
The God of Excellency gave to me my hearts’ quest.
My prayers are answered.
Barnabas is alive!